Over the River and Through the Woods
by Sharon R
Summary: A neat 2 chapter ensemble piece. Carter, Pratt, Susan, Jerry, Kerry, Chuny, E Ray, Morris, plus ? and ?. The staff is off on a learning adventure very reluctantly. A surprise awaits them. This will crack you up!
1. Chapter 1

**Over the River and Through the Woods  
**_by Sharon R.  
_

_Disclaimer: As always, I don't own any of these characters. Only borrowing them for a good laugh._

_This was a challenge I did quite some time ago at an awesome private fic group. Bored during the holidays and hungering for some plain old ensemble fics, I thought I'd dust it off. Merry Christmas all.  
_

**Chapter 1 of 2**

A loud, obnoxious belch echoed from the second canoe as they paddled across the lake.

"God DAMN it, Jerry," Pratt blathered, "how is it possible that your burps smell worse than your farts?"

"You don't really know that… yet," Jerry gave back rather offended that Pratt would think so low of him.

"Seeing as I'm sittin' down wind of your gaseous emissions, it probably won't be long before I find out." Pratt angrily slammed his paddle into the water. "And someone explain to me why I'm stuck in a canoe with him."

"Maybe because you've never done this before," Jerry told him in a snit, "and I have."

"Yeah, well your fat lard ass up there may sink this floating coffin before you get a chance to show off your Grizzly Adams balls."

"Oh, for the love of God," Carter screamed sitting in the middle of the two, "someone get me out of here."

"Hey," Kerry bellowed as she helped paddle her canoe up to their side, "You three keep at it much longer you'll scare all the wildlife from the lake and there will be nothing to do." As she pushed away from them with her paddle, she made sure her first stroke in the water produced just enough backsplash to make her point.

"Suppose that widow will crawl back into her web where she belongs?" Pratt thought he said under his breath.

"I heard that Pratt."

Performing the rear ruddering of the women's canoe, Susan glanced back at Carter with an apologetic look as they passed them by. "Sorry," she mouthed to him.

"Pick it up boys," Chuny shouted back at them from between Susan and Kerry, "you're slowing us down. Dead weight is what I'm saying. _Dead weight_."

The canoes were dragged up on shore and overturned to prevent them from floating back out into the lake. By the time all of the supplies and personal belongings were sorted and tents erected, Kerry had already collected wood for the fire and was on hands and knees blowing into the kindling.

"It takes two, Pratt," Jerry whined, "I need someone else on the other end of the rope to anchor it."

"I am NOT falling for some stupid prank."

"It's not a prank. It's a bear bag."

"Pratt, Pratt," Kerry yelled smacking the back of the log he was sitting on with her crutch, "unless you want a bear knocking on your tent door tonight, you'd better get your butt in gear and help Jerry with the bear bag."

"You're kidding," Pratt questioned her, "hanging food and garbage between trees?"

"Got a better idea? These two days are about team work, staff building, working together, Pratt. We are here to work collectively and cooperatively. NOW GET YOUR ASS OFF THAT LOG AND GET TO WORK."

Pratt finally got up and went to help Jerry with the bear bag while Kerry stoked her fire. Susan and Chuny were off getting water and filtering it leaving Kerry with the last two members of the County team: Morris and E-Ray.

"So how is it that you came to County?" Morris asked E-Ray.

"I worked there several years ago, then left to explore my limitless potential in the existential field of communicating with my fellow human beings."

"Oh. You did some research? Working on a Ph.D?"

"Writing for a Washington paper. Laid off due to budget cuts. But my essential soul never really left the ER."

"Uh-huh," Morris mumbled pretending to understand.

Carter set to work putting hot dogs and wrapped sliced potatoes on the fire while pretending to ignore the goings on around him. It had been all of three minutes since he last checked his watch. They had driven four hours to the retreat house and then sat through a boring four hour seminar including doing role playing games before it was announced that their evening accommodations would not be in cabins on the populated side of the lake, but in shared tents on one of the many little islands in the middle of the lake. The director of the far too expensive staff building seminar, Arthur, kept inhaling deeply through his nose, as if he were taking his first ever breath, and proclaiming the virtues of lake air. But to Carter it smelled old and musky, of dead fish and too much bug spray. And when all of their whining carcasses finally made it into the canoes, where was the man who took County's check all too eagerly? Back in his air conditioned bedroom with his much too young looking - yet not very bright assistant - whose name tag decorated with little homemade hearts and smiley faces declared, "Hello… My Name is Courtney". Poke her and she giggled.

"I'm just saying that it's a waste, Dr. Lewis," Carter heard Chuny say as the two ladies made their way back into camp.

"Please, it's Susan. After all, I've bared my breasts to you. And it's called 'pump and dump'."

"How's it going being away from the baby?" Carter moved over on his log and made room for Susan.

"Not bad. Actually I'm looking forward to getting some sleep."

"In a sleeping bag on the hard ground?" Carter laughed.

"Hey, Chuck has been complaining about my breastfeeding interfering with his bonding time with Cosmo. Every time the baby wakes up to nurse, Chuck fawns over my shoulder. I have to dab at his drool as much as the baby's. Believe me, if he could grow breasts and lactate he would quit his job and bond with the little parasite that my son has become."

"So you're adding your homegrown protein to the fishies in the lake?"

"Every four hours like clockwork."

"And I'm sure they appreciate it."

"Thanks for nothing, Carter," Pratt complained as he stumbled his way back into camp over a pile of wood.

"What's your problem, Pratt," Susan asked, "no innocent strangers here to give you an admiring audience?"

Pratt just gave Susan a nasty look before turning his attentions back to Carter. "It's because of you that Weaver's gone all Dr. Phil."

"Me?"

"Yeah. You and Kovac came back from Africa all buddy buddy and she thought that all that time you guys spent out there in the wilderness was good for your working relationship."

"I wouldn't exactly call it wilderness."

Pratt snickered at Carter. "What's for dinner?"

"We got hot dogs and potatoes," Chuny told him passing out the paper plates. "Anything else is your responsibility."

Chuny couldn't help stare at Jerry as he entered the camp area walking rather gently with a wide gate. "Got a little case of the prickly heat, Jerry?"

"It's not the heat," Jerry bumbled red faced, "it's the humidity."

Everyone took a helping of the food and supplemented with a snack that they had brought with them, except Morris who diligently pulled out cooking utensils from his backpack.

"Morris," Susan quizzed him pointing at the glass amber colored saucepan, "Is that… is that Vision Wear?"

"I came prepared. Hot dogs have way too many preservatives."

Morris proceeded to take out a measuring cup, measuring spoons, and then butter and milk from a small cooler. Very carefully he measured two cups of water and put it in the saucepan waiting for it to boil.

"You have got to be kidding me," Carter laughed astonishingly. "You are camping and you not only bring glass cook wear and Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, but you even measure the ingredients?"

"Morris, you do know," Jerry added, "that mac and cheese from the box has so many preservatives you could use it to caulk windows."

"Like _you _know?"

The group of seven all looked at Morris, unable to comprehend his ineptitude.

"Alright people," Kerry stood and addressed the staff members, "we are going to leave here with a new found respect for each other." Her seven reluctant co-workers all sighed loudly. "Don't worry next weekend the other team of…" She checked her notes, "…Kovac, Chen, Anspaugh, Neela, Abby, Sam, Malik and Frank will be here enjoying the comforts of the outdoors."

"I guess it could be worse," Pratt mumbled.

"That's right," Jerry mumbled back, "you could be shacking up with Anspaugh's farts."

"Jerry!" Kerry threw an empty water bottle at him.

"What? I wasn't _doing _anything."

"Pay attention or I'll ship your ass back here next week." Kerry composed herself and wiped the sweat off of her hot brow. "Now, I even have a surprise. We're not alone on this island. Another group of eight from another hospital, unknown to me, went through their seminar this morning while we were on the road. They are going to join us this evening and we will pair up with our counter parts and spend the remainder of the evening comparing notes, sharing some of this lovely wine we brought along, and playing the games Arthur gave us." Kerry looked around the campfire and noted the sourpuss faces as they looked everywhere but at her. "It's six o'clock, they're supposed to be meeting us here. I can hear their voices now. When they get here find out who your counterpart is and find someplace quiet to get to work."

Pretty soon, several faces emerged from around the corner. Jerry laughed, Carter's jaw fell open and Kerry's face turned chalky white.


	2. Chapter 2

**Over the River and Through the Woods  
**_by Sharon R._

**Part Two**

They weren't just a group of disenchanted hospital workers wiling away the hours until they could run home. These glassy eyed people were smiling… and clapping… and God forbid…

"_This land is your land, this land is my land, from California to the New York island…"_

Yes folks, they were singingAnd… holding hands

"This ought to be good." Jerry could barely contain himself. He too had noticed who in particular had come to join them.

"Carter?" Susan stood up off the log and whispered in his ear looking at one of the singers bringing up the rear, "…is that…?"

"Uh huh."

"Okay. So who's that other person Jerry's laughing at?"

"Someone check the syllabus," Chuny half joked, "and make sure we made landfall on the right island. These dudes might be trolling for souls in search of a cult, but we definitely don't qualify."

"Oh, yeah," Pratt sighed, "hide the Kool-Aid."

"Please tell me this isn't a joke," Kerry pointedly asked the person leading the group - all eight wearing matching tie dyed shirts.

"Look," E-Ray stepped up shaking hands, an all too willing participant, "my shirt almost matches yours."

"You'll fit right in, I'm sure," Carter mumbled as he stayed back in the shadows.

"No joke," the man smiled as he answered Kerry. "We are who we are. Hiya Chief."

The other eight certainly stood out with their happy, welcoming grins and outstretched hands of goodwill. The County-Eight stood out just as obvious looking skeptical, bland and not so happy to be there. For every "glad to meet you" and "I can't wait to hear about your hospital" the happy-go-luckys gave them, there were at least four hrumpfs, six smirks and one good 'whatever'.

If there were ever a time that Kerry Weaver felt intimidated by herself, it was then with Dave Malucci standing before her, a smile pasted across his face. Whether it was forced or not, it was better than Kerry herself could muster. But even to Carter, it was evident that Malucci's smile was as genuine as a diamond in a mine.

"I ain't going down without a fight," Pratt whined taking up the rest of Carter's shadow. "They cannot be this… this cheery _all _the time."

Carter enjoyed hanging back as a spectator, albeit with Pratt the Noble Complainer at his side. "Well, it works for them."

"Not for long," Pratt hoped aloud.

"Give it a chance," Carter whispered into the resident's ear as he kept his eyes on one particular member of the opposing team. "This one is definitely pass/fail. Go along with it. Fake it if you have to."

"In case you haven't noticed," Pratt smirked sarcastically, "my people don't do that anymore."

"Hmm. Well, this isn't war, Pratt."

"There is no evolution without revolution." A smile slid across Pratt's formerly downtrodden face as he stepped away from Carter and up to the rest of the group.

"I'm with you, brother," Jerry gave him with a pat to the back. "I feel your spirit and, even better, I'm going to head up the march with you."

"Sign me up too," Chuny chimed in. "Whatever it is you're planning, but hurry up before they break into a rousing rendition of Kumbaya…"

_Kumbaya, my lord…_

Yes. Eyes rolled.

"Alright people," Weaver finally managed, "find out who best defines your own job description and find someplace to get to work. Jerry and E-Ray are unit clerks, Chuny - a nurse." The three found who was raising hands and left the group. "Morris and Pratt each get a resident or med student." Once they were paired up, that left Susan, Carter and Kerry. Susan looked at the two raising their hands indicating that they were attendings and made a calculated decision to go with the very young looking… very gay looking guy. A safe choice.

Carter batted his eyes in the direction of the guy's shirt. "Nice pink wife beater," he whispered in Susan's ear as she walked by.

"Yeah, he's probably got another one at home that says '_I heart Josh Groban'_."

"So Malucci, you and Carter going to get some quality time in together?" Kerry asked hoping to hurry the process along.

"Only if he's the ER Chief." Dave was always to the point.

"Excuse me?" Kerry hoped that her ears needed cleaning. "Are you telling me **_you _**are Chief of Emergency Medicine?"

"No, team leader. Our ER is set up using the team approach. Two teams of equal staff are on duty at all times in the department. The unit is a corridor with the desk and other inner hospital facilities in the middle. Each side is identical: two level one trauma rooms each, six what we call level two monitored beds and then two rooms with six beds each for walk through trauma. One triage area out front equally divides the patients between sides. Our ER chief floats between the two sides but leaves the management to team leaders who rotate every two months handling duties like scheduling, overseeing residents and students as well as admissions to departments. This way no _one_ doc gets burned out and when we rotate out of our 'chief' role we appreciate what the next person has to do even more. We give respect, we earn respect, we teach respect - all by doing and not by being dictated to and not by expecting to be passive. We have friendly competitions like ice hockey matches, softball games and games nights. Our jobs within the team may change, but the teams remain solid."

Carter intently watched Kerry from over Malucci's shoulder, at first stunned by the sheer knowledge and organization that Dr. Dave exhibited. But he couldn't help himself when he purposely met Kerry's eyes and gave her a _big_ shit eating grin. **_Big_**. "Well Dave, it's good to hear you've found your niche," he told him while still giving Kerry a friendly dig. "I didn't know you had it in you."

"Yeah, well, you kinda never gave me a chance."

"Okay Malucci," Kerry sighed, "let's get this over with."

"Now, Dr. Weaver," Carter boasted with mock enthusiasm, "where's your spirit? This is about team work, staff building…"

"Can it Carter, and get to work."

Work. That meant going off with that last attending doc, the one standing before him avoiding direct eye contact just as Carter did.

"Suppose we should, ya know…" she managed.

"We have to, um, find someplace to work alone and…"

She looked around and, seeing that everyone had vacated the campfire, found herself a log to perch on. "This works. I don't see anyone here. Fire is nice and toasty."

Carter threw a couple more logs on the fire before settling onto the log next to her, groaning as his back complained on descent.

"Bad back?"

"Yeah."

"So did you try to restrain a psych patient three times your size?"

"Something like that." The fire may have been warm, but the atmosphere was cool.

"How have you been, John?"

He really didn't want to answer that. It had been how many years? And what had happened in all those years? There had been found love, lost love, love again, death and more death, addiction and recovery, continent hopping and civil war, and of course birth… and death again, and lost love.

"Okay," he apathetically answered. "How about you, Harper?"

"Lots of work. I really enjoy it. I didn't think I'd board in emergency medicine, but I surprised myself."

"Good. That's real good to hear." Carter leaned his elbows on his knees and concentrated his eyes on the dirt between his feet.

"You don't really want to be here do you," she asked.

"No." He couldn't help laugh. "You?"

She shrugged. "We're a family. It's nice."

"So, Dave Malucci. _Dr. Dave_. I guess every family has its black sheep." Carter cracked his gum as he remained head down analyzing the bugs as they scrambled over his shoes and away from the fire pit.

"He told me a little about his time at County. Glad I don't have to deal with Kerry Weaver." She rested her head on her knees and found her face very close to Carter's. "So why are you still there after all these years? Why submit yourself to an environment like that?"

Harper Tracy was never one to beat around the bush, with him at least. "I guess it's a dysfunctional family thing. I don't know anything different. Works for me." He continued to avert his eyes from her, instead looking at everything around him, everything but her. The one sure thing in the relationship they had during their med school rotation was that she could read him like a book and all he wanted to do was get through the weekend and back on the highway towards Chicago, without finding meaning in work and life.

"You've changed," she let slip out.

"It's been a long time, Harper. People change."

"They evolve, maybe. But change is something that happens as a result of experience."

"What do they do at that place you work? Make you guys psychoanalyze each other?"

She got the hint and quit digging. He _was_ different. His soul was harder to penetrate. He used to be much freer. And he loved life.

Carter pulled the rolled up papers out of his backpack. "I suppose we should get this over with." From off in the distance he could hear more singing, and if he assumed correctly, Jerry's tone deaf voice was in the mix. "Just promise me we can skip the high school nerd fest."

Carter opened the booklet and started reading. "_Name two things at your workplace that you would change if you could_. Well, that's easy. Security and work hours." He scribbled his answer and went to the next question totally ignorant of Harper's presence. "_Name your co-workers that best fit your own family members' personalities_." Carter smirked, then mumbled under his breath, "Romano's dead, he fits the bill." Shaking his head, he threw the papers and pencil to the ground as he stood and walked to the other side of the fire, arching his back to stretch away the soreness. "This is stupid."

"Come on Carter, if we work together we can do this and get it done in no time."

"Let's not and say we did."

"What's _with _you?" The two stood across the fire from each other not sure of where they should go. "Come on, let's try some of this cheap wine."

"Malucci didn't tell you everything, did he?"

"Look, he mentioned some things but never named names. I figure it's been so long since I was at County I wouldn't know anyone anyways."

"He didn't say anything about me?"

"No, really, he said something about a med student killed and a doc nearly killed, but he never…" She looked at Carter's tilting head and knew. "It was you?"

"You get the coveted Golden Marshmallow award."

_Kumbaya, my lord, Kumbaya_… The night air echoed the sickening happiness in the distance.

"Why didn't you - "

"- You know, I don't want to talk about it. I've dealt with it - badly at first - but it **is** part of my past. I just assumed that once you saw me you were thinking about things Malucci might have said about me."

"Your name came up a couple times, but only in general terms. And frankly my former boyfriends are not something that I am in the habit of discussing with… you know…"

"Coworkers, yeah I know." Carter meandered back to Harper's log and sat back down. "Remember that time," he smiled and stifled a chuckle, "that I took you to a hotel to celebrate my match in surgery?"

"We filled that Jacuzzi with bubblebath." Her smile was beautiful as she shared the memory with him. "That was fun. Quite steamy if I remember correctly."

"What **_I _**remember was how much trouble I got in when I went back to the hospital way too late and way too drunk. Oh man, did I get in trouble."

"Pagers have come a long way. They make waterproof ones now." They were both laughing hysterically as they continued to talk about their past. Finally, Harper brought them back to the present. "So tell me about yourself. Married? Children?"

Carter cleared his throat just a bit. "Almost."

"Almost married? Really?"

"Twice actually."

"Yeah? What happened?"

"Reality. Africa. And then reality again."

"You talk in forked tongues Carter."

"I guess I do." Carter thought a moment and decided that he might as well get that demon off his back that always keeps his secrets safe. Somewhere on that 12-step list there's something about admissions, he thought. "Okay. I fell in love with someone at County. It was wonderful and messy at the same time. I did relief work in Africa and came to my senses. I guess you could say I was running away when I stayed there on my second trip. Fell in love with someone else, made a baby..."

"You're a dad?"

"Hmm. Well," Carter quieted, not sure if he really wanted to go there, "the baby died in utero at 36 weeks. Kem and I drifted apart after that."

"I'm sorry." Gosh, she thought. What possibly could be said?

"Let's talk about you," he grinned as he changed the subject. "What is happening in your life?"

"I'm happy. I am hoping that…"

"_What do you mean I'm chicken shit?_" One of Harper's co-workers barged out of the woods on the coat tails of another one ripping off his tie-dyed shirt and throwing it in the fire. "The question wasn't meant for you. He asked me. ME."

Not too far off, Carter spied Jerry and Pratt giving each other high fives. Something was up.

"Well I guess those two are done," Harper surprisingly spoke. "Shall we get through this crap?" she asked Carter pointing at the papers on the ground.

"_And when you get back it might be wise to work the same shifts_," Chuny called out to the enraged nurse ahead of her as they walked passed the campfire towards the lake. "I mean as nursing team leader next month you have the power to make sure he's not spending too much time in the suture room with that hoochy lab technician." Not too long and the two teams were emerging one by one – with just a little less enthusiasm than they went in with.

"It's a breast pump, and no, you can't help me." Susan slammed her tent flap on her partner's face, but quickly opened it one last time to give the man a parting whisper.

His hand flew to his mouth to mute a high pitched gasp of shock. "That's it. Get me off this island and find me Malucci. I want _off_ this team."

"I just meant that you aren't being used to your full potential." Morris was trying to catch up to the woman he had been paired with. "It's a well known fact that women doctors in large hospital settings are routinely taken advantage of and with this team approach thing you have going, the flaw is that the ability to climb a ladder has been virtually eliminated for anyone with boobs and a uterus. And if I may say so, your particular mammaries can't exactly be called petite. In fact, your left one is smaller…"

"Looks like you're going to have to do some damage control." Carter leaned back against a tree and folded his arms obviously enjoying the show.

"It's about realizing your capacity as a human being." E-Ray had his arm draped around the shoulders of a very large weeping man. "Ask yourself this - am I ultimately doing what I am best at? When my soul passes on to another being, will it be fulfilled or half empty? This life is no rehearsal, my friend."

"You're right," the man managed between sobs, "I'm going to ask for that raise as soon as I get back. And maybe even talk to the union about becoming a rep."

"Well, looks like our little experiment is coming to a close prematurely." Carter shoved his hands in his pockets and walked over to Harper, the orange glow of the setting sun reflecting off of her golden hair. Once again they were alone, the crackling fire warming them, maybe even too much so.

"Yeah. Oh well, guess we're not in Kansas anymore."

"Guess not, Dorothy." Carter gave her a wink.

"No, we're really from Kansas," she gave him as he looked puzzled. "Kansas. You know, flat land, tornadoes, apple pie?" She looked up into Carter's eyes. She'd forgotten to breath and sucked in a breath when a cold breeze shot off the lake and perked up some goose bumps over her bare arms. For a moment as she closed her eyes she experienced déjà vu and longed for…

"Cold?" he asked.

"No, um, I'm okay."

Carter's hand felt the little bumps on her arm as he let his fingers trail down from her shoulder to her elbow. Leaning his head in towards Harper's, he let her delicate bangs brush against his cheek before he bent down slightly. Picking her chin up with one hand he put his lips on hers and gave her a gentle, warm kiss. She tasted the same.

"But Dave, why doesn't my staff like me? I mean, _what do I have to **do**_?" Kerry whined as she crutched down the path into camp, waving an empty wine bottle around as she spoke.

Harper and Carter quickly parted and reflexively turned their backs on each other.

"Well, Chief, you do what we talked about. Stick to your guns, but ya gotta learn to delegate. Trust them. Let them fall and pick themselves up. And whatever you do, don't keep secrets. It's like a successful marriage." Malucci looked around. "Where's my team?"

"I believe they are all down by the lake bickering like a bunch of schoolgirls with PMS." Pratt entered the camp with a bag of food as Malucci ran by him towards the lake. "Now someone tell me about this _'something more'_ we're supposed to eat with marshmallows and chocolate."

"I've got to go." Harper let Carter hold her hand for a few seconds before she pulled away and walked to the lake.

The other seven County people joined Pratt around the campfire as Carter lingered on the perimeter watching Harper until she was out of sight. Something told him to go - to go after her this time. "**Harper**!" When he caught up to her, he grabbed her hand, his puppy brown eyes locking with her sparkling greens. "I just wanted to…"

"What's this?"

"Go away Dave," Carter sighed hoping to get some privacy.

"Harper?" Malucci looked back and forth between the two before Harper pulled her hand out of Carter's. "Is there something I should know?"

"No. No, honey. We're just old friends catching up, that's all." Malucci put his arm around Harper and gave her a kiss on her forehead as they turned and walked back around the island to their own camp. Carter watched and finally turned around himself, but too soon to see Harper look over her shoulder at him one last time.

"You kids get along alright?" Susan asked, holding her most recent withdrawal of breast milk.

Carter nodded and stuffed his hands back in his pockets again.

"You okay?"

"Yeah," he sighed, "the past is the past. I should know that by now. What are you up to?"

"Making a deposit. So did you hear Weaver getting advice from Malucci?"

"Don't see that everyday," Carter laughed. "And those people, well they are just _pissed_."

"Yep," Susan declared after dumping her milk in the water, "our job here is done."

From the top of the rise where they had made camp, came the unmistakable sounds of voices… singing voices…

"_We are the world. We are the children…" _

"Is that **_our_** staff?" Susan wondered aloud.

"Uh-huh."

"Oh boy."

**THE END**


End file.
